


Second Most Cowardly Assassination Attempt Ever

by whitachi



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:44:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitachi/pseuds/whitachi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Turks Rule #3: Don't ever put anything that's been near Reno anywhere near your mouth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Second Most Cowardly Assassination Attempt Ever

"Hey there, fairy princess," Reno said to Rufus as he entered the Turks office. Reno was clearly mostly occupied, hunched over on the couch doing something that looked like vigorously sanding a long wooden dowel, and good god did Rufus ever not want to know. Why did he keep coming down here again? Ah, yes, the desire to be punished, that had to be it. 

"Baked some brownies if you want 'em," Reno added, not looking up from the vigorous filing of an oddly curved part of his project.

"Excuse me, you said that like you think I would ever, ever in my life put something that you made into my mouth." _Again_ , Rufus added mentally, and felt his stomach lurch at the memory.

"Chill out, it's from a mix." Rufus did spy the brownies, sitting in a perfectly normal looking baking pan on Rude's desk. A few had already been eaten, which could be evidence towards their safety, but could also be a trap.

"The words 'mix' from you provide little in the way of reassurance."

Reno blew a cloud of sawdust onto the floor. "The kind that comes in a box. That you buy at a store."

"Considering that I am _well aware_ of the stores you frequent, again, not reassured." The gift certificate Reno had gotten him for his 19th birthday from one of _his_ kind of stores made Rufus never want to stop washing his hands.

"Like, a grocery store, you pantywaist, calm down. Rude's already ate two, and he's clearly alive."

This fact was also questionable, as Rufus hadn't even _noticed_ Rude, sitting behind his desk, still as a statue, and possibly dead.

"...Rude?"

The big man nudged the pan towards Rufus a little. "Pretty good. Frosting's got little M&M's in it."

Rufus put a hand on his forehead as Reno placed what he could only assume was a live-sized wooden sculpture of a whale penis on the coffee table and beamed at it with pride. "You even _have_ a kitchen?" He was already moving a little towards the sweets, cursing himself for being both a fool and predictable.

"Hard to make explosives without one!" And there were little M&M's in the frosting, and the brownies were surprisingly moist, delicious, and unpoisonous, and after Rufus had eaten two, he decided to sit down for a while.

Roughly two years or possibly fifteen minutes later, Reno grinned at him and said, "Oh, shit, I forgot to mention that I added a couple of ingredients, right? Fuck, how many did you eat? Two? Oh, this is going to be _awesome_. Rude, get the video camera."

No one would know, Rufus thought as he gripped the arms of the chair and stayed perfectly still. He would be completely cool. ...was that whale penis moving closer? No, he was completely under control. _Completely fine_.


End file.
